morning light


most mornings.

I like to–

to the watch the trees dance. their lives outside my window.

sometimes-

I go out and breathe them in. let the wind cup my face like a long lost lover.

this morning-

I woke up singing a song that I have forgotten the words to…but know the melody by heart. it’s in my head and won’t let go as I sweep the floor.

right now-

talking under my breath.forgetting to put the coffee filter in the pot. the *light knocking on the window.

*the irony of all the paper is not lost on me but they all went to a good home. maybe one day I will write something called in defense of paper or not…

hope in my hands

I’ve been at it again. collecting books from the library that I really have no time to read. I really can’t help it though. stacks of books are like a comfort food for me. I think it’s because growing up I was surrounded by them.

I can remember the first time I went to the public library in my town. I really had no idea what is was…this place full of books. as I was a little kid, I was like a one of those yippie pups, with all the energy and mischief. I remember getting into the librarians stamps amongst other things.

the Texas prisoners built our fancy new library one summer, I think. it’s hard to say because Texas seasons kinda look all alike in my mine minus the trees.

I remember the orange jumpsuits or were they stripped and the chains but maybe that was a movie. isn’t it funny how reality and fiction merge in our memories?

I think the first books I officially checked out where baby-sitters club books. I love the babysitters club. I tried to start one up in my neighborhood but seeing that me and my friends were only on primary school that didn’t go to far. I also loved the sleep over friends and nancy drew.

one day I discovered Virgina Hamilton in a school book and fell in love. it was so nice to see stories with people like me…although I do like to read stories of people who are different…I think that reading those stories young though imparted on me that it’s okay for me to write things. of course that got complicated as I went through school and learned to write for the test and the teacher.

in my heart reading and writing are closely linked and they are both comfort foods. I would not call myself a good reader or writer but I do enjoy doing both as long as I can do them from the heart.

somehow in all this internet stuff that part got lost for me…when you write with one eye towards an audience…it takes some of the life out of for me.

I think it’s because rarely do I write what I know. I write to understand and heal and that is often non-linear and messy…I am not sure if it’s easily digestible.

these days, I roam the library not with not much in mind. I am not a fan of popular books because the hype makes it almost nerve racking to read unless it’s Louise Penny (and then I know I will likely be happy). I am usually just looking for something that catches my eye and my heart.

I don’t read to learn. although that can be useful( and does happen). Mostly, I read to know…to know others and myself…for the stories…to get inside a world language and be inspired to dive deeper into my own world.

I am inspired by pretty covers and a variety of subjects. mostly, though I am inspired by that little girl with wonky plaits and very bad fashion (that was me) pouring over the titles in a small one room library finding out that life was bigger than she ever thought.as she/I huddled her precious pile and loose change to pay her mother’s library fines ( yikes…I guess this trait run in the family) and headed by home..which was complicated place and word at the time.

if I am honest, I forgot all about that library until now. all I remember was the feeling of walking through the back fields of town, to my small world, with hope in my hands.

and the sun was shining, too

I am writing this with a face full of sunshine. it has been an early morning. I actually went to bed at a decent time and woke up with the sunrise and had some dandy blend and a apple. I did some meditation and a bit of sketching. then started listening to a podcast and stitching.

If you know anything about me. you know that my grandma was a great sewer. she got her first sewing machine through a readers digest contest but she was also a prolific hand-sewer.

sewing reminds me of her.

her taking her huge glasses out and asking me to help her thread a needle when she was older. her collection of fabric. her hexagon quilt. her taking in all my clothes because I was so teeny back then.

summer reminds of going down to the creek and fishing and berry picking, peaches and wild grapes.

I feel lonesome for my grandmas garden and her famous greens.

they tore down that old house we lived in

when I saw the spot where it once stood

surrounded by two cedar of Lebanons and circled by pines

my heart hurt just a bit

but I felt my souls sigh too.

so many memories made and invaded in that little house.

it broke us

and gave us life in the same breath.

life is complicated like that.

even now…

I remember the sky swimming in blue and kissing the top

of the trees that were left.

and the sun was shining, too.

beautiful and okay

the truth is that I had lots of grand ambitions for summer blogging that fell really short after I realized that I have very limited mental space with two small littles underfoot.

maybe if I did this or that I would have more time or space but I am all for least amount of effort and priorities…some days.

so I find myself with a quiet evening upon me. well semi-quiet because the family is outside for a little run about. fresh air tires little out, they say.

I have been all over the place these days and pressing on…if that makes sense. I have made lots of biscuits, bread(flat) and tortillas this summer and a cake or two, too. oh and cookies.

somehow I became a baker after years of declaring I never would and it makes me happy. I am nothing fancy but I secretly squeal that I know a few recipes by heart (via cookbooks and the internets, of course).

I think what keeps me from writing with any regularity is that I live a very pedestrian life. I don’t have any complaints about that but I am also not prone to lots of moments of poetic insight either. although, I can do a run-on like nobody’s business.

I have taken up slow stitching and book binding these days. I don’t even know who I am but I just enjoy making things with my hands. nothing fancy. nothing to alert the press about…just pure joy.

I still like words. I have dreams of writing stories and poems again but just can’t seem to get myself together to do it.

I like to think I am incubating and one day I will just sit down and forest of words will greet my pages.

or not.

I am okay with just making books and bread and writing little snippets of life here(this blog) and there(in my journals).

this post seems contrary and it’s really not suppose to be that way. like I said, I am all over the place.

I think what I really want to say–is sometimes we think things are suppose to be one way and they are another and that is still beautiful and okay.

a few good books

I have been on a decor and cookbook bender. I tried to get into a few books of fiction but it never seems to pan out.

or maybe I am trying to read what I think I should read versus what I actually want to read which is chic lit and mysteries

Perphas, I will look through my virtual and physical shelves and see if anything catches my eye.

or maybe I will just read about decorating and cooking and watch people talk about fiction.

my favorite booktuber these days is Jen Campbell

letting go, too

there has been this nutty thought looming in my head about getting rid of most of my old journals. Or just keeping the ones that mean something to me or cutting out the pieces that do.

when I think about all the things I’ve created I am happy I have created them but rarely do I go back and look at the older ones. my favorite journal is always my current one.

art is so funny. I always thought I was creating to hold on but maybe it’s about letting go, too.

enough

I recently finished craft-fulness: mend yourself by making things. the book did not present any earth shattering revelations but it did remind me of why I do what I do…i love it.

I know that we are often told to monetize all the things (and there is nothing wrong with that) but it is also okay to just do things because they make you feel good.

maybe I am the freak who just likes to make things for the sake of making them. I know I could do more but I don’t want to right now. I am satisfied with my smallness. I am okay with my ordinary life of making , wifing and mothering. I don’t want to hustle or beholden to shareholders/clients/the market…not right now and maybe never when it comes to creativity.

the truth is after 900 years of school( I kid but it felt like that at times) , I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up but maybe I am doing what I need to in this particular session of my life. And that is okay. it’s more than okay. it’s enough.

I have probably written this all before but it bears repeating.

A list for today #1

List |

Taking deep breaths

My kids. They are nuts but so fun. We are actually having a pretty decent summer and I say this because the past few have been bad bad. Keep us in your prayers.

Not trying to solve anyone’s business but my own| minding my business

Water

Vitamins

Dandy blend

Outside and chill

Laughing

Loving

Cooking

Baking

Music…Tasha’s Cobbs break every chain.

Reading. I’m going to try and finish a stack of books that I’ve renewed about three times this month…it’s mostly cookbooks (so I have a fighting chance).

Remembering my grandma. Her passing anniversary is this month. I want to make a cake or cornbread and greens and all the food I can recall her cooking. I don’t know what I will have strength for but she will be on my heart. I want to remember her to my kids because because of her I am.

Art. It is such a gift. One day…I will write(even if only you for myself) how it changed my life for the better.

Imaginary worlds

Materials |

Gouache , watercolor, ink, and marker. Scotch tape

Paper includes some pieces of Sabrina ward Harrison (and the questions) Daphne’s diary (little pieces of flower collage bits) maybe an image from Bella grace (yarn) and vintage papers. I think there is also a sticker from a planner sticker pack(probably happy planner) and some tabs from wanderlust (everythingartuk).

Trust

Materials |

For these pages I used a sticker pack called faith warriors, thickers (from American crafts), Washi tape, tissue paper from Tim Holt’s and some vintage papers. Also used some gouache, stabilo, oil pastels, scribble sticks and some random pens.

my bible is the message canvas bible and I do use it exclusively for bible journaling so I am okay with covering some of the words.