Fall

I am checking the forecast who,e the tea kettle readies itself to boil. The toddler and the cat are having a wee disagreement about who should sit on the top of the couch, the answer is really neither but I pick my battles.

I have been working on national novel writing project. I thought it was going to be a novel but it’s going to be a memoir of sorts. Writing my memoir feels like a big task but i am just allowing this to be my zero draft and not trying to shape the writing too much because otherwise , i might get discouraged.

To be honest, i have never been itching to write my memoir….it always felt to painful and crazy to really go there. However, time has marched on and i am seeing things in a new lights. The past is the past but we are doomed to repeat it unless we learn from it.

When i tell people my story…even just the highlights…they are amazed…i am amazed because it is nothing short of a miracle. So i will write it and even if i only print two copies, one for me and one for the hubby that is enough because the story will have been told.

I’m watching the trees sway outside, they gave been calling for snow this afternoon. I don’t feel ready for snow because just the other day i was frolicking in the leaves but the weather is as it is.

These days feel so pregnant with possibilities. I am not even sure what that means anymore but i am looking to the sky and trying not to step in random buckets the kids have left out. There is so much to learn and be grateful for.

Freedom feels

There is glory in smallness.

I am learning this as I explore what creative practice means to me .

It is so easy to get wrapped up in what everyone else is doing but true freedom comes in learning and honoring whatever works for me…in this season of life.

I am learning|

How to leave space.

To explore.

To start again.

To go small.

To let things be.

That it doesn’t have to be a great work of art 🖼 or praised by others to be worthy.

It is enough to create.

Happy accidents

I downloaded the hipstamatic app again. Gah. It’s so fun. & My kiddos love taking pictures with it because of the filters.

Today I was playing around with it and doing and exercise from “get unstuck” by Danielle krysa (the jealous creator). The toddler played happily in the couch and chalkboard (🥴🤗).

I remember how I use to take pictures of random things for a photo challenge on Instagram. There was something magical about showing up with my camera and seeing what I can find related to a topic.

I don’t know how or why that simple act became almost impossible as the years swung by…

So here I am again. Responding to a simple prompt. Looking around at the things of my life and making art….that really feels like a ginormous gift.

morning light


most mornings.

I like to–

to the watch the trees dance. their lives outside my window.

sometimes-

I go out and breathe them in. let the wind cup my face like a long lost lover.

this morning-

I woke up singing a song that I have forgotten the words to…but know the melody by heart. it’s in my head and won’t let go as I sweep the floor.

right now-

talking under my breath.forgetting to put the coffee filter in the pot. the *light knocking on the window.

*the irony of all the paper is not lost on me but they all went to a good home. maybe one day I will write something called in defense of paper or not…

hope in my hands

I’ve been at it again. collecting books from the library that I really have no time to read. I really can’t help it though. stacks of books are like a comfort food for me. I think it’s because growing up I was surrounded by them.

I can remember the first time I went to the public library in my town. I really had no idea what is was…this place full of books. as I was a little kid, I was like a one of those yippie pups, with all the energy and mischief. I remember getting into the librarians stamps amongst other things.

the Texas prisoners built our fancy new library one summer, I think. it’s hard to say because Texas seasons kinda look all alike in my mine minus the trees.

I remember the orange jumpsuits or were they stripped and the chains but maybe that was a movie. isn’t it funny how reality and fiction merge in our memories?

I think the first books I officially checked out where baby-sitters club books. I love the babysitters club. I tried to start one up in my neighborhood but seeing that me and my friends were only on primary school that didn’t go to far. I also loved the sleep over friends and nancy drew.

one day I discovered Virgina Hamilton in a school book and fell in love. it was so nice to see stories with people like me…although I do like to read stories of people who are different…I think that reading those stories young though imparted on me that it’s okay for me to write things. of course that got complicated as I went through school and learned to write for the test and the teacher.

in my heart reading and writing are closely linked and they are both comfort foods. I would not call myself a good reader or writer but I do enjoy doing both as long as I can do them from the heart.

somehow in all this internet stuff that part got lost for me…when you write with one eye towards an audience…it takes some of the life out of for me.

I think it’s because rarely do I write what I know. I write to understand and heal and that is often non-linear and messy…I am not sure if it’s easily digestible.

these days, I roam the library not with not much in mind. I am not a fan of popular books because the hype makes it almost nerve racking to read unless it’s Louise Penny (and then I know I will likely be happy). I am usually just looking for something that catches my eye and my heart.

I don’t read to learn. although that can be useful( and does happen). Mostly, I read to know…to know others and myself…for the stories…to get inside a world language and be inspired to dive deeper into my own world.

I am inspired by pretty covers and a variety of subjects. mostly, though I am inspired by that little girl with wonky plaits and very bad fashion (that was me) pouring over the titles in a small one room library finding out that life was bigger than she ever thought.as she/I huddled her precious pile and loose change to pay her mother’s library fines ( yikes…I guess this trait run in the family) and headed by home..which was complicated place and word at the time.

if I am honest, I forgot all about that library until now. all I remember was the feeling of walking through the back fields of town, to my small world, with hope in my hands.

and the sun was shining, too

I am writing this with a face full of sunshine. it has been an early morning. I actually went to bed at a decent time and woke up with the sunrise and had some dandy blend and a apple. I did some meditation and a bit of sketching. then started listening to a podcast and stitching.

If you know anything about me. you know that my grandma was a great sewer. she got her first sewing machine through a readers digest contest but she was also a prolific hand-sewer.

sewing reminds me of her.

her taking her huge glasses out and asking me to help her thread a needle when she was older. her collection of fabric. her hexagon quilt. her taking in all my clothes because I was so teeny back then.

summer reminds of going down to the creek and fishing and berry picking, peaches and wild grapes.

I feel lonesome for my grandmas garden and her famous greens.

they tore down that old house we lived in

when I saw the spot where it once stood

surrounded by two cedar of Lebanons and circled by pines

my heart hurt just a bit

but I felt my souls sigh too.

so many memories made and invaded in that little house.

it broke us

and gave us life in the same breath.

life is complicated like that.

even now…

I remember the sky swimming in blue and kissing the top

of the trees that were left.

and the sun was shining, too.

Beauty

lately-

  • I found all my old photo editing apps
  • Blocked a few addictive websites and apps (for the time being)!
  • Pride and prejudice fan fiction makes me so happy
  • Trying to figure out where all my pens went….but seriously where are they?
  • Afternoon art dates with my oldest 🥰
  • Writing again. Slow. Steady and Messy.
  • Oil paints . Love their creaminess. Also gouache🎊
  • Making bread…and it’s actually edible and yummy🤣
  • My baby turns two next month. It feels like time is on steroids some days.
  • My cat knocking over my water cups because I never learn.

chili

I am obsessed with this chili

I made it last night in my big dutch oven that I got when I got my first apartment.

it was part of a set of pans that one of my old boyfriend’s mother’s got for me.

it was kind gesture. I just was not ready for it and neither was that situation.

I made some bad soups. I didn’t know about timing and patience.

or that

you can’t have good soup without a good foundation.

you have to cut things down, sweat things out. let things fall apart, be and come together.

blend parts and let others be chunky.

season to taste.

sometimes no matter how hard you try those elements won’t come together. so you eat what you can and throw the rest down the disposal or compost.

and that’s okay.

we keep trying.’

eventually, maybe with a lot of help , one will find a recipe that works.

or cook something else. that works, too.