Fall

I am checking the forecast who,e the tea kettle readies itself to boil. The toddler and the cat are having a wee disagreement about who should sit on the top of the couch, the answer is really neither but I pick my battles.

I have been working on national novel writing project. I thought it was going to be a novel but it’s going to be a memoir of sorts. Writing my memoir feels like a big task but i am just allowing this to be my zero draft and not trying to shape the writing too much because otherwise , i might get discouraged.

To be honest, i have never been itching to write my memoir….it always felt to painful and crazy to really go there. However, time has marched on and i am seeing things in a new lights. The past is the past but we are doomed to repeat it unless we learn from it.

When i tell people my story…even just the highlights…they are amazed…i am amazed because it is nothing short of a miracle. So i will write it and even if i only print two copies, one for me and one for the hubby that is enough because the story will have been told.

I’m watching the trees sway outside, they gave been calling for snow this afternoon. I don’t feel ready for snow because just the other day i was frolicking in the leaves but the weather is as it is.

These days feel so pregnant with possibilities. I am not even sure what that means anymore but i am looking to the sky and trying not to step in random buckets the kids have left out. There is so much to learn and be grateful for.

the point

from 2017–

somewhere along the way, i internalized the idea that it was better to be opinion-less, emotionless, and benign. somewhere, i got the notion that these things would keep me protected, safe and powerful. of course, this is a nice lie. it sounds good in our head but usually has nothing to really do with us and love and lots to do with pleasing other people.

every time, i write a strong opinion, i feel like i need to defend, erase, deflect or apologize. lol…that woman is annoying. you see, there is nothing wrong with having opinions. strong ones. even “wrong ones” because we are humans. in flux. expanding. growing. if we stuff ourselves in a box of nice and placid. we might never meet ourselves for real. we might never live into our small light or even really live at all.

there was a preacher i once knew, i know, i’ve known a few…who said that Jesus did not come here to help us live a nice and comfortable life. Jesus was table tosser. He hung out with prostitutes and tax men. nobodies, in that society and maybe ours, too. Jesus did not build a human castle to dwell or an aesthetic to be appreciated or even a reputation as a nice person. he was a challenger. he abided among the people he loved, he challenged the status-quo and He was obedient to his Father,  even if it would cost him everything.  i think we all could learn a lot from the story, christians or not because maybe we all have gotten a little to invested in being seen a certain way, in not rocking the boat or hiding ourselves from our life.

for the record,  i am not imploring you to become a christian or think a certain way….it’s just a reference point (insert your deity, philosophy, hero/ine or prophet, at will. personally though, i have lived within the culture of american christanity (of many facets) and that is often my story point.

moreover, i have lived in this culture enough to buy into many things that don’t serve my life or the world in a real or good way. it’s hard to unpack that but i think i must. it’s hard to even know what that means. it’s hard to separate the culture from the heart but i feel i must. this unpacking and unfurling applies to religion, opinions, food, nature, everything…when i see the world as it is…it is scary but the world has always been this way. me, being nice did not save the world and it will not save the world. me being opinion-less did not save me and it will not save me.

today, i thought about letting this blog go. i mean what can i possibly write these days. i can’t even keep a journal practice but i find myself here. challenging myself to show-up and toss the table of fear out of my way. i am challenging myself to live into the light, that i was born to live into. no, this may or not “lead” me there but it is a tool to go deeper, to be seen, to destroy the box that i desperately want to hide in.

last night i tried to paint a painting from a thumbnail drawing that i did earlier this week. i used the same tools, the same colors, the same desk but it just wouldn’t work. i ended up cutting into pieces and vowing to make something new. maybe that’s the point.

this is an old post from the archives of my blog. it’s funny how I have been chewing on the same things for ever. although, I will say my journaling practice has got a tad bit better.

Daily gratitude

There are a few gratitude challenges running this month that I enjoy- illustrated faith + in(courage). I started with the latter but found the illustrated faith one soon after. I really just like to read the scriptures associated with the prompts. It is a way for me ….to have a plan so to speak for bible reading. Otherwise, I would really just be reading my favorite books (which is okay) but you know I like variety😬🤣

I have taken my old (classic) happy planner and refashioned it as a prayer journal with places for prayers, this month’s devotion (via Intouch ministries) ….I follow along m-s with the princess prayer warriors on YouTube. Right now they are doing a ten day reset…that is really interesting…of course none of these things are necessary for spiritual growth but they can be helpful. Especially for us folks that love paper bits and words.

I have really been enjoying this practice of gratitude because it reminds me of the all the good and simple things that I take for granted. It keeps me focus on the present moment and helps me refocus my yearnings….or at least see them for what they are.